During the past year, we have seen the #MeToo movement bring public awareness and public acknowledgement of the degradation suffered by countless women at the hands of countless men. And for those men who were called out who were in positions of power, many of them have fallen. Some have even been the subject of criminal action.
This was something which was long overdue. No human being should be treated in this way. And so women now join the list of people who are not just protected by law, but because they feel comfortable coming forward, are empowered to make use of those protections.
There remains, however, one significant category of person who, while protected by the law, is virtually unprotected in reality. Both because they have no voice and because the injury they sustain is not acknowledged by society … children who are subject to sustained psychological abuse in their homes.
We are slowly becoming sensitive to the bullying children are subject to in school and the damage caused by such bullying, including even suicide. Although there are many adults, especially the parents of bullies, who respond, “Children will be children,” and fault the victim for overreacting.
We have not, however, acknowledged the bullying and other forms of psychological abuse that children suffer at home and the terrible and lasting damage this does to them. Why?
The American Academy of Pediatrics defines emotional and psychological abuse as exposing “a child frequently and repeatedly to behaviors that impact his or her psychological well-being, including blaming, threatening, yelling at, belittling, humiliating, name calling, pointing out faults, withholding emotional support and affection, and ignoring a child.” Shockingly, we see examples of this in public frequently, at which point I cringe; imagine the frequency behind the closed doors of the home.
Pediatricians are required by law in many jurisdictions to report evidence of abuse to the authorities, including psychological abuse. But despite their responsibility, doctors underreport evidence of physical abuse as well as psychological abuse. Most often reported are cases of neglect.
Why don’t they report? One of the reasons why are “accepted cultural practices.” Unfortunately, the list in the AAP definition above are all things which are pretty much accepted cultural practices by parents, especially if a child is “difficult.” Another is that doctors are less likely to report abuse when they have a positive relationship with the family.
The generally accepted norm by both doctors and the public is that such things are going to occur in the home. As with bullies, the reaction is that parents will be parents. They have to have a free hand in raising their children. They can’t be micro-managed. Parents don’t intentionally harm their children. And so children are not protected.
Perhaps the worst example of child psychological abuse unrelated to sexual abuse or other forms of physical abuse is the abuse suffered by children of a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Narcs). This rather benign sounding psychological disorder is actually very malignant.
According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, this is a sociopath who is dangerous to themselves and others: 1) has significant impairments in personality function such as exaggerated self-appraisal and requires excessive admiration to support self-esteem; 2) impairment in interpersonal function such as a lack of empathy; relationships are largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem; little genuine interest in others; exploits others for personal gain; 3) pathological personality traits such as antagonism and grandiosity, believing one is better than others; condescending, arrogant, haughty; excessive attempts to attract the attention of others.
Such parents see children as objects who they use to satisfy their needs, robbing them of all sense of self and self-esteem. They have and show no care or love for their children. The result is major damage to a child’s psyche.
Children of course, as opposed to adult women, do not have a voice vis a vis adults. They are totally dependent on their parents for their welfare. When asked, not only are children ashamed that they have received such abuse, but they know what will happen if they report on their parents. Also every child wants desperately to believe that they are loved by their parents. For all these reasons, they often hide the truth.
The only other person in a position to speak for a child is a relative or neighbor who is well-acquainted with the family dynamic. However, these people will also usually not say anything for the same reasons as doctors … accepted cultural practices and closeness to the family. There is one other. If the parent is a Narc, close relatives or friends are typically enablers. They have been brought into the Narc’s web of influence through various means and so see the Narc as a good person, not someone who is destroying their child.
Where does that leave the child victim? Totally defenseless.
Why is this such a important topic? If one cares about human beings, clearly one wants to prevent the psychic destruction of people, certainly children. But beyond the individual, there are pressing social reasons to change this dynamic. All of the dysfunction we see in the world … and it is everywhere … in the family, in the workplace, in the nation is a result of the suffering and insecurity that people experience as children. (See my posts, “The Root of All Abuse and Violence - Insecurity,” and “Insecurity as the Cause of Social Conflict and International War.”)
If we truly want to make this world a better place for our children, then we must start by protecting our children. The only way out of this terrible dynamic is to bring the subject of child psychological abuse out into the open. It can no longer be a taboo subject. Just like one never used to talk or hear about incest until a prominent person (a former Miss America) came out and told her story, prominent people need to come out and tell their story of being victims of child psychological abuse.
When people feel it is ok to talk about this subject, whether regarding their own experience or that of others, they will be empowered to free themselves of the suffering caused by denial by speaking the truth. Then, hopefully, doctors, relatives, and friends will come to the rescue of children. Adults who were victims as children will speak the truth. We will be amazed at the prevalence of this tragedy. Millions of children will be freed from their prison of suffering and countless adults will begin healing their trauma.
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