We read in the papers about the rising rate of suicide and other emotional problems among teenagers. People point to societal causes to explain what is happening, but while those factors have an effect, that is not the real problem.
We have seen articles questioning the role of parents in mass shootings. These articles focus on parents not observing or acting on signs that their sons are radicalized. But while this is often true, that is not the real problem,
The uncomfortable and inconvenient truth is that every troubled child, boy or girl, is troubled primarily because of the way they have been raised, the interactions they have had first and foremost with their parents as well as with siblings, their peers, and the world around them.
It's not that most parents don't love their children and show them affection and attention. It's that parents have their own problems and needs, their own distractions, and so they both cannot provide their young child with the love and attention he or she needs and they often react to their child out of anger, short temper or stress, for example calling the child bad, or stupid, lazy, or other pejorative phrases.
This interaction, this accumulation of life experiences by the child, results in him or her feeling insecure and not good about themselves, feeling fear and anxiety. This is the beginning of a life pattern that grows and deepens, like a cancer, until if the hurt is deep and bad enough, the child becomes a sociopath, capable of inflicting the harm caused by a mass shooter.
But these children who commit mass shootings are just the tip of an iceberg, of an alarming problem in our society. They are the extreme case of an epidemic of children who feel insecure, who don't feel good about themselves.
I see this every day in the elementary and middle schools where I teach. Children exhibit behavior problems which are not part of the natural process of growing up or experiencing new hormonal urges. These are problems which are well established in these children by the time they reach school age and continue to deepen.
It is no exaggeration to say that in a class of 20 children, there are typically only one or two who are well balanced and obviously feel good about themselves. And by that i don't mean that they feel they are great or special, better than others; I mean that they simply feel good about themselves, they are comfortable in their skins.
Why is this happening? The problem is that child raising in our society has been a case of insecure parents raising insecure children who become insecure parents who raise insecure children who . . .
To some extent, this has perhaps always been the case, but it has become much worse since the industrial revolution and then in modern times as parents have become involved in work or activities which are not fulfilling and leave them stressed, as money and material things have gained importance, and as technology has separated human beings more from each other rather than brought them together. This problem exists in all strata of society, whether rich or poor.
The result of the prevalence of this insecurity is that we see increasing violence and dysfunction at all levels of society – in the home, workplace, politics, and the international arena. When people argue or act out, it is their inner child who is arguing or acting out,
Children are our future. A child is a fragile, vulnerable person. From the moment the child leaves the womb, and even before, a child is deeply and permanently impacted by his parents’ moods and actions, as the young child is totally dependent on those around him for sustenance and nurturing.
Every child has the potential to live a happy, wholesome, constructive, and fulfilling life regardless of their intelligence, ability, or looks. There is no such thing as a "bad" or "stupid" or "ugly" child. Every child deserves a happy life; that is their birthright.
And so, it should be parents' primary responsibility to raise their children in a way that fosters in them the feeling that they are secure in themselves and happy. We must protect children's psychic health. But where do we start when only a happy, secure parent can raise a happy, secure child? Are we in a cycle that cannot be stopped?
I believe the answer is that it can be. It requires first that parents understand the impact they have on their children. Few parents intend to harm their children, but most in fact do, despite loving them. It's a fact of life. The point is not that parents should feel blame; the point is to be aware of your impact.
Second, it requires that parents take active steps to improve their own security and happiness. These include (in brief): smiling mindfully, cherishing each passing moment, accepting ourselves/cultivating a compassion heart, accepting life, and staying grounded. This does not require therapy, but it does require commitment and discipline because the control of our mind over our actions is great.
When parents have stepped back from the mental forces that grip them, they are able to stop and ask themselves, "Is what I am about to do or say good for my child's sense of well-being," as opposed to being on auto-pilot or doing whatever comes naturally based on their own childhood or their situation in life, be it their work, family or relationship with themselves.
Parents cannot control what their children experience in the world out there. But they can assure that their children are raised with a sense of self that will protect them from being damaged by the abuses they will inevitably face.
