Sex - Misused and Abused - A Different Perspective

The reader might well ask, what does sex have to do with preserving American values?  Well, for one thing, as we know from the #MeToo experience, the male craving for sex often impacts the independence and integrity of women.  Their freedom from such abuse should certainly be an American value.  

But also regarding the male, when an individual has a craving for anything, let alone sex, he is not free  He may be free in the political sense, but he is not free in the sense of being the master of himself. of being able to decide and do what is in his best interest.  The American value of freedom goes beyond the political.  Your ability to pursue life, liberty, and happiness is not just impacted by external forces, it is greatly impacted by one’s own internal forces.

And while healthy committed relationships or marriages may not be an American value as such, it is certainly something which society says it wants to foster.  And should.  It is critical that future generations of Americans be raised in supportive families, free of neurotic dynamics.  Free of the craving for “sex, drugs, and rock and roll.”  We must cleanse ourselves of the scourge of addiction.

Here is the case against sex as we know it.  The lust for sex is a huge force in directing man’s actions.  Second only to the craving for money and power.   As such, it is a major source of stress, it comes between people as much as it binds them together, and it is an antagonist to spirituality.  It has ruined relationships.  It has ruined more than one political career, and in the #MeToo generation, it has brought many powerful people in different sectors of our culture low. 

Sex is a function critical to the survival of almost all species of life on Earth.  How then has sex become such a negative factor for man?  

With the exception of man, evolution has developed the function of sex to be discreet in its purpose and limited and particular as to its timing.  It’s purpose is procreation and survival of the fittest; Whether one looks at plants, fish, or even man’s closest animal relative - the apes - this is the limited function of sex.  And it can only occur during finite periods of time.

For man, however, sex has become something very different.  How did that come to be?  While women have been found to be more “lusty” during their fertile days, women, contrary to females of all other species, are “available” for sex throughout the year.  

And since males of most mammal species are horny beasts (we’ve all experienced a dog arousing himself on someone’s leg), the human male certainly takes advantage of that, even when procreation is unlikely.  Why?  Because we derive pleasure and other satisfaction from the sex act.  

That men and even women derive pleasure from sex is hardly a new phenomenon.  But in our contemporary culture, pleasure has become the primary purpose of sex … consistent with the pleasure syndrome which predominates our culture.  It also serves various psychological needs as noted below.  Procreation is now only a tangential function since through the use of various means of contraception, sex typically only results in pregnancy when you want it to, which is rarely.

The result is that sex is now one of the leading problems in relationships.  Basically said, if men especially aren’t finding sex pleasurable anymore, they either look elsewhere for that satisfaction and/or it becomes one of several factors that leads to a failed relationship and divorce. 

A related problem is that if a couple does have good sex, that gets confused, especially in the early stages of a relationship, with feeling they are in love or loved.  And that just isn’t the case.  It just means they have good sex.  Lust does not equal love.  But nevertheless couples get married based to a large extent on whether they have a good sex life because modern man does not know what love really is.  Feeling loved is thus dependent on having good sex.  When that’s gone, we want to move on.

The other ways in which sex is used in relationships to meet psychological needs are also not conducive to a healthy attitude towards sex and relationships.  For men especially, but also for women, the use or withholding of sex is an expression of power in a relationship where otherwise one may feel inadequate or weak.   When there are problems in a relationship, using sex to patch things up puts a burden on sex and rarely works for more than a limited time.  And for people who are unhappy with their work or other aspects of their life, the pleasure or release of sex is a respite, a distraction.  For all these reasons, the general attitude is that good sex is an essential part of a healthy relationship. 

Using sex primarily as a source of gratification, power, or bonding makes sex a source of major stress for man and is harmful to relationships.  Sex is used in the search for something which is essentially a fleeting illusion.  At the same time, its role in the procreation process is mostly negative, in that  most of the time people want to make sure that pregnancy does not result from sex.

How to improve the stability and nourishing nature of marriage and other committed relationships?  The answer is to base relationships on true love (more on that below), return sex to its primary purpose of procreation, and realize that there are other, more stable ways to establish a loving, intimate bond with a spouse/partner that do not involve the sex act.  “What?!”  the reader will undoubtedly exclaim.  “How absurd.”  

That is the ego-mind reacting.  Bear with me while I explain.  There is great comfort, satisfaction, and intimacy to be had within a loving relationship from hugging and various types of non-sexual touching … not as foreplay to sex, but just for the warmth and intimacy it engenders.  

I speak from experience.  I am in a deeply-loving, long-term relationship with my partner who is my best friend.  We are family.  We do not have sex.  But we do have a very physical relationship.  I feel more loved and more secure than in any relationship I have ever had.  I should note that we are totally committed to our relationship and are not looking for sex elsewhere because we have all the love we need and understand that to be happy sex cannot be used as a source of pleasure.

I know this will sound crazy to most readers, whether straight or gay, but that is the truth.  Sex has become so deeply engrained in our ego-drives, our self-image, that we cannot imagine life or a relationship without it; it is a craving.  But as with all other cravings, that is just a product of the ego-mind.  Yes, sex has a biological function.  But what man has turned sex into has little to do with that function.

NOTE:  The often-held belief that ejaculation is essential for a man’s health is just not true.  There is no clear evidence of a health benefit to ejaculating or risk from not ejaculating.  There is some very weak evidence that frequent ejaculation may help prevent prostate cancer, but that’s all it is.  Arousal, however, does release certain chemicals which increase feelings of wellbeing.  But those same chemicals are released by hugging and other types of touching connected with sincere affection.

For gays and lesbians, this would mean that while their relationships would be very physical and loving, sex would not be part of the relationship.  To be blunt, orgasm would not be part of their relationship or their lives.  As for their raising a family, having a sex-less relationship will obviously not impact that since sex was never part of that for them anyway; gays and lesbians have found methods to have biologically-related children without engaging in procreative sex,.

What about teenagers and older uncommitted individuals?  For them, sex would no longer be part of the right of passage into adulthood or a means of satisfying oneself or coarsely expressing oneself or having the pleasure of someone’s company by hooking up.  These are measures, often desperate, that people take to fill an emptiness in their lives.  We must instead raise children so there is no emptiness that needs to be filled.  (See my book, Raising a Happy Child.)

I am not underestimating the huge change this would entail for most people.  The initial gap in their lives.  Again people would have to be taught that there are other forms of physical interaction which are very satisfying and far less problematic.  People will have to be taught to have a different relationship with themselves.

With sex returned to its biologically-intended purpose … procreation, sex will then regain real meaning and be a source of growth and maturity.   Both male and female will be making a statement, a real commitment to the future, when they have procreative sex.  The ecstasy of sex will be connected with the desire to create a family, not satisfying some ego-desire for a high.

But there is another real kicker in my proposal … most people have no clue as to what true love is.  Yet this must form the basis of the new relationship.  

This is unfortunately not something we typically learn through our experience … not from our parents, movies, or any aspect of our culture.  Since love not sex will be the cornerstone of a relationship, this means that couples will need to learn what love really means and how to develop it between two people.   

Simply said, love develops from mutual feelings of trust, respect, caring, and thoughtfulness.  One will have to be taught this or learn it from a book since it is not part of our culture.  Shedding the cultural connection between sex and love will be difficult.  But these mutual feelings I listed are the sine qua non of a loving, lasting, relationship.  Of course issues of character and interest compatibility also play an important role in a relationship’s longevity.

I should say that I do not mean to imply that there are no lasting relationships based on true love that have sex as an integral part of the relationship, not just used for procreation.  What I’m saying is that our current attitude towards sex is for the most part destructive both to the individual and to relationships.  And so the dynamic needs to change.

The benefits of this change to both the individual and society would be significant.  For individuals, couples and their children it would bring an increased feeling of security and peace, which would in turn substantially change the dynamics within a typical family, benefiting the psyches of all.  For society it would mean a decrease in both illegitimate and unwanted pregnancies/births, a substantial decrease in the divorce rate, a decrease in all forms of spousal and child abuse, both physical and psychological, and a substantial decrease if not elimination of sex addiction.  Just for starters.  Spiritually, it would enable man to overcome a major barrier to being a master of himself.

While my proposal will sound absurd and futuristic to many, the argument that a marriage or other committed relationship should be based on true love rather than sex/lust, and that sex is actually detrimental to a relationship is not a new thought.  To my surprise, although I shouldn’t have been since Montaigne is always wise and amazingly pertinent, I discovered that the French 16th century philosopher/essayist had the following to say, after I began writing this post:

 “I see no marriages that sooner are troubled and fail than those that progress by means of beauty and amorous desires.  It needs more solid and stable foundations, and we need to go at it more circumspectly; this ebullient ardor is no good for it.”  

“A good marriage rejects the company and conditions of sex.  It tries to reproduce those of friendship.  It is a sweet association of life, full of constancy, trust, and an infinite number of useful and solid services and mutual obligations.”

It is unfortunately impossible to imagine such a change happening on a society-wide basis.  It would require a major change in the way many aspects of our culture operate, the experiences people have as they are growing up.  

But we as individuals have the ability to make these changes on our own, to listen to a different drummer, regardless what is going on around us.  It “just” requires making a commitment first to oneself and then finding another compatible soul to enter this journey.  This is something that is within your power to do.  Think about it!

This post is dedicated to my partner to whom this concept of sex was revealed recently and who shared it with me.

A Grace to Change the World

Saying grace before or after meals is something that is routinely done by millions if not billions of people all over the world.  Regardless of the religion, saying grace is part of one’s religious practice.

What is grace?  From every grace that I had ever heard, whether it was in movies, in people’s homes, or in the company of my family, grace was about thanking God for his bounty.  Praising God.  Sometimes additional thoughts would be added asking for God’s grace with regards to something ... like a child’s taking an important exam, or an upcoming marriage or operation, etc.

Then one day I went to a Vietnamese Buddhist temple in rural Michigan.  (I was born and raised Jewish, but I had become interested in Buddhism.)  After meditation and conversation about the Buddha’s teachings, we sat down to lunch.  Before we began, the two nuns who ran the temple rang a bell for silence and one of the temple members said the following grace:

This food is the gift of the whole universe -- the earth, the  sky, and much hard work.

May we live in a way that makes us worthy to receive it.

May we transform our unskillful states of mind.

May we take only foods that nourish us and prevent illness.

We accept this food so that we may realize the path of practice.

The first four mouthfuls

With the first taste, I promise to offer joy.

With the second taste, I promise to help relieve the suffering of others.

With the third taste, I promise to see others’ joy as my own.

With the fourth taste, I promise to learn the way of non-attachment and equanimity.

Eighteen years later, I still carry these words with me every day in my wallet, and recite this grace every morning before eating breakfast and starting my day.  Why?

The words of this grace are not so much about thanks, although that element is there.  It is about how we as human beings should live our lives so as to be worthy of the gift of life  and food that has been bestowed upon us.  If everyone, regardless of their religion, spoke and took to heart the words of this nondenominational grace, the world would be on its way to solving all the intractable problems that we face.

“This food is the gift of the whole universe -- the earth, the sky, and much hard work.”  This reminds us not to take the food that we eat for granted.  It is the result of much hard work, whether it be peasants in some faraway land or a worker in a food processing plant where we live.  People labored, and if we eat meat animals died, so that we may live.

“May we live in a way that makes us worthy to receive it.”  Having food to eat is not some absolute or unconditional right we have.  With food, as with life, come responsibilities ... to ourselves and to others.  We may have the power to nourish or destroy, whether it’s ourselves, those close to us, or strangers.  But it is our responsibility as human beings to nourish ourselves, our fellow human beings and all sentient creatures, as well as the environment, not to destroy.  All religions have at their core morality the saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  That is our highest moral responsibility.

“May we transform our unskillful states of mind.”  What are these states of mind?  They are greed, lust, envy, anger, pride.  These cravings destroy our ability to exercise good judgment and do what is right for us, our loved ones, and for others.  And despite our tendency to almost revel in these states of mind, they cause us nothing but suffering for they always ultimately result in frustration.  Because when we feed these states of mind, our mind just wants more.  There is good reason why these emotions form the core of the Seven Deadly Sins of Christianity, as well as being admonished in other religions.  

“May we take only foods that nourish us and prevent illness.”  There are two aspects to this thought.  One is that to eat foods that do not nourish us or prevent illness is not good for our body ... witness the epidemic of obesity in this country.  It is not so much a question of eating too much, but of what we eat.  Although gluttony (another one of the Seven Deadly Sins) is also not good for our health.  Second, food is a precious commodity; it is limited.  There are many people in this world who go hungry, even in the United States.  The problem is not that there isn’t enough food; it’s that there isn’t an equitable distribution of it because obtaining food is a function of having money.  If we all just ate what was necessary to nourish us and prevent illness, there would be plenty of food to go around; just look at all the food Americans waste.

“We accept this food so that we may realize the path of practice.”  The word, “practice,” here refers to Buddhist practice, but it applies equally to the practice of any religion.  Again, with life and food come responsibilities.  And what are they?

“With the first taste, I promise to offer joy.”  Just as we want other people to offer us joy, we should offer others joy.  And if we aren’t offered it, that makes no difference.  The point is to do other others as you would have them do under you.  And this is not just to be a goody-two-shoes.  As in all aspects of the teachings of this grace, what we do is not just to benefit others but to benefit ourselves as well.   When we offer others joy ... for the pure reason of wanting to offer joy, not for an expectation of receiving anything in return (and that’s a major catch for many people), we experience joy just in the giving.  Regardless where you are, if you interact with people in a friendly, joyful way, you will experience joy yourself, regardless of their reaction.  Likewise if you go through life interacting with others in a perfunctory fashion, you will experience no joy.

“With the second taste, I promise to help relieve the suffering of others.”  There is so much suffering in the world ... and I don’t just mean the obvious suffering of malnutrition or illness or extreme poverty, but the daily suffering of people caused by their insecurities and the neuroses that stem from that feeling.  One of our main responsibilities as human beings is to help others, and in so doing we bring joy into our lives.  Not because we feel sanctimonious and superior because of our good deeds, but for the pure pleasure of trying to help another suffering person.  Whether it be random acts of kindness or donations to charity or hands-on volunteer work, you will experience joy when you help relieve the suffering of others.

“With the third taste, I promise to see others’ joy as my own.”  In our culture, we are so ego obsessed, that the common reaction to much of this teaching is, “What about me!”  If our focus in life is in finding ways to make ourselves happy, we will not find happiness because wanting something that we don’t have just leads to frustration.  One may achieve what one wants initially, but then one always wants more.  The fact is that if we stop being so ego obsessed, if we see our oneness with others, and see others’ joy as our own, we are much more likely to experience joy and happiness.  That being said, I must advise that if one truly sees others’ joy as your own, you will also see their pain as your own.  The two go hand in hand.  But that’s an essential part of what being human and understanding your oneness with others is about ... whether you think of it as we’re all in this boat together or we are all children of the same God.

“With the fourth taste, I promise to learn the way of non-attachment and equanimity.”  This is the real kicker, the real challenge, for most of us.  We can do all sorts of things that are on the surface good or worthwhile, but if we attach to them (obsess about them) or if we do these things because we are unhappy or dissatisfied with our life as it is, if we feel insecure, while we may still be productive and help others, we will be frustrated and unhappy.  We will feel anger, greed, envy, and lust regarding the things that we or others do.  We will suffer and we will make all those close to us suffer.

People sometimes react to the teachings of the Buddha with, “Why should I always be thinking of others; what about me!”  What people often fail to understand, and their teachers don’t make the point clearly, is that the Buddha developed his teaching as a way to end suffering, starting with the individual.  The Buddha understood that to free the world of suffering, one must start with the individual who causes suffering in himself and others.  The teaching thus is all about how to free ourselves from our suffering, which is mainly caused by our learned experience, our past.  A significant part of that process is learning to find joy in giving joy to others, helping others, and seeing others’ joy as your own. This is one way we free ourselves from our ego.

If everyone acted according to the words of this grace, there would in time be no more suffering in the world.  Everyone would feel secure and loved.  No one would try to gain control over others, to exploit others, to oppress others, to take advantage of others.  The world’s wealth and resources would be distributed more equitably.  It would be a very different world indeed.