The Unspoken Scourge of Not Feeling Respected

Much has been written and spoken about the problem of increased income inequality in this country.  It has caused huge distress in the lives of many people and has weakened the social fabric of our society.

But there is another type of inequality which is just as prevalent and perhaps even more devastating … the extent to which people feel respected, valued, acknowledged.

Everyone wants to be respected, valued, acknowledged.  It is a basic human need.  It feeds our self-respect.  And self-respect, positive self-esteem, is critical to our having a healthy relationship with ourselves, our families, and the world around us.  Without self-respect we are sitting ducks for a host of negative emotions that cause us to suffer emotionally.  

As bad as physical suffering is … whether it’s from hunger, disease, or an accident … emotional suffering is even more debilitating.   If one is emotionally strong, one can weather most physical afflictions.  But if one is emotionally week, full of fear and self-doubt, insecure, then every day is filled with experiences that reinforce the feeling that there is no place for you in this hostile world, that you are nothing, that make one question the reason for one’s existence. 

Many people wonder why depression is such a common phenomenon.  Why alcoholism is so widespread.  Why drug addiction has taken such strong root in both the inner city ghetto and in rural areas across America.  

The answer I think is clear.  The vast majority of people are not shown respect, are not valued, are not acknowledged in their everyday lives, whether in the workplace or in the home.  Many have the constitution to keep fighting on, to keep battling the forces they feel are arrayed against them.  But for many, their energy sapped, facing overwhelming fear and insecurity, they cope instead by escaping their suffering, escaping their reality, in the only ways available to them … alcohol or drugs.  Many others are not strong enough to even seek escape … I know it sounds strange, but that does take strength … and so they wallow in depression.

What is the basis for my saying that the vast majority of people are not shown respect, are not valued, are not acknowledged in their everyday lives?  One marker is to look at how much people earn, which is certainly taken as an indication of how one is valued in our culture.

Certainly those at the top of their field, whether it’s entertainment, finance, business, or the professions, are given this mark of value … large, and at the highest levels obscene, amounts of money.  The top income category, the top 1%, would certainly fall within this group.  

I was originally going to say the top 10%, but I was surprised in doing research for this post that the cut-off for the top 10% is a household income (that’s both spouses combined) of $113,000 according to Slate; $140,000 according to The New York Times.  That’s certainly not rich by any standard.  And people with those incomes are not likely to feel very secure, highly valued or respected.  The cut-off for the top 1% is a household income of $394,000 according to Slate, $383,000 according to the Times.  Lower than I would have thought, but certainly enough to be considered slightly rich these days and probably in a position in one’s work where one feels secure. respected and valued.

That means that 90 - 99% of people in this country probably do not feel respected, valued, or acknowledged.  That is a terrible state of affairs and explains many of the problems that our society is experiencing.

This estimate meshes with the anecdotal information one hears about the extent of lack of respect shown in the workplace.  As well as my own personal observations over the decades. 

When I did research, however, to see what the data was on this, I found surprisingly that the data regarding workplace satisfaction/respect showed quite the opposite.  But the data are so contrary to what one observes in everyday life that I doubt their validity.   And so my thinking remains unchanged. 

For example,  in one survey 88% of U.S. employees report overall satisfaction with their jobs!  In another survey, 85% of Millennials say they are treated with respect at work.  The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that 29% of employees feel valued in their jobs.     

I’ve worked in many job settings, and relatively supportive ones at that, and I would say this data is far off the mark in reflecting the reality of how people feel in their jobs.  If you take the often unsupportive or corrosive situation in many job settings, as well as the discrimination faced by people of color and women, the numbers would be even worse.  Not knowing how these surveys were conducted, I cannot explain the results.

But back to the narrative.  A reader may say, “That’s just the way life is; it’s inherent in human/societal relations that some are respected and valued and some aren’t.”  However, it wasn’t always this way; certainly not with such extreme differences and inequality.  To understand how we got this way, we need to understand where we came from.  

The Development of Cities: For 50,000 years, we - meaning all humans - were aboriginal people, like Native Americans, who lived a communal life.  Everyone in the village had their place, everyone had their purpose, everyone was valued, with of course the inevitable exception.  This is not to say that everyone was equal, they weren’t, but all were respected and valued because everyone contributed to the greater good.  

Then around 4,00 B.C. cities began to develop in some cultures and the communal aspects of life ceased to be.  Instead, a class structure developed resulting from the culture of individual responsibility and private property.  This class structure with its concomitant income inequality resulted in some being considered very worthy, some worthy but less so, and then there was the mass of people who were considered to be unworthy rabble, mischief makers, people of low or no morals.  This inequality of respect seeped into all areas of societal life.  Here you had respect inequality on a large scale.  

Immigration, Loss of Homogeneity:  The one factor that still bound people together in most countries despite large income inequalities was their homogenous nationality and often religion; the us v them factor.  This was largely absent in the United States even in the 19th century where roughly 25% of the population was equally divided among immigrants and former slaves.  There was not just disdain but much hostility towards both groups … they weren’t just poor, they were a mass of “them” and considered dangerous. 

Although there has always been much political talk (pre-Trump) about our pride in being a nation of immigrants (somehow slaves are usually left out of such statements), there has always existed among the population, at least below the surface or in private company, a great deal of negativity towards them.  That’s why political correctness is both necessary as a guideline and why it is detested by many.

Modern Capitalism:  Then there is the factor of modern capitalism.  After the industrial revolution, capitalism developed into a system in which everyone except management was a fungible cog in the production process.  Every employee was there to be made use of, exploited, to enlarge the profits of the employer.  The resulting hostility between worker and management, even after the introduction of labor unions and the improvement of workers’ conditions, was part of the whole.

Adding to the feeling of use and abuse is the continuing presence of discrimination against people of color and women.  And whereas in former times job security was something one could count on, in recent years loyalty between management and workers, both blue collar and white, has almost evaporated.  As a result, even those who are making a “decent” salary often do not feel respected or valued.

Modern capitalism and the industrial revolution also introduced the phenomenon of rising expectations for those less well-off.  Now most people feel that they are entitled to and should have the means to acquire most of the accoutrements of contemporary life.  And so everyone tries to make it.   Of course, the vast majority don’t, which sets up frustration and anger at the larger society and government for propagating this illusion that everyone can make it, but doing little to ensure it.  Another reason for people not feeling respected and valued.

I have not spoken thus far in any detail about the problem of lack of respect in the home.  There appears to be no data on this, but certainly anecdotal information would indicate that whether between spouses, parents and children, or children, feeling that one is not respected or valued is not uncommon.  

Family life was probably never idyllic once we moved from communal to independent/competitive societies.  But modern capitalism has undoubtedly increased problems in the home in at least two ways.  First, the strains that work places on the psyches of men, and women, have to be felt in the home resulting in parents being more self-absorbed and less understanding of and available to their children.  Second, the ascent of the “me” generation in the early 80s has likely resulted in a home life which is less communal, less respectful of others.  Finally, while probably more a function of modern society than capitalism, it’s reasonable to assume that the lack of respect for authority that has taken hold in the U.S. has increased the lack of respect felt by children towards parents.

Is there a way back from this precipice we’re standing on?  We cannot return to pre-capitalist or pre-historic communal life.  But the answer is yes.  One major factor in the extent to which people don’t feel respected is discrimination.  In earlier posts, for example “Our Failed Economic/Social/Political System,”  I wrote of the need to develop true equal opportunity to live up to the ideals of the Declaration of Independence.  That is also what’s needed to bring the nation back from its current state of serious polarization.  Because one can only create true equal opportunity if all the vestiges of racism, bigotry, and misogyny are put behind us.  And with that would come an increased feeling of respect by those who have historically been discriminated against.

That would, however, still leave the broader issue of a lack of respect, or value, or acknowledgement of others that is part of our modern capitalist system and society.    To instill a culture of respect will require training at all levels, from schools to corporations, of the need even in the midst of competition to treat all fellow human beings with respect, to show them they are valued, and to acknowledge their work.  To be aware that most people do the best they can and so deserve respect for their intents, regardless how well they do.  This is true both in the workplace and at home.  Capitalism/competition and employee respect are not inherently mutually exclusive concepts.  Respect within families is inherently natural.

Until we have both true equal opportunity and true respect in the workplace and in the home, America will be at great risk for becoming a failed nation, torn apart by its internal divisions.

The Mendaciousness of the Responsibility Game

We are brought up in this society to think that we have control over our lives.  That if we do this or do that, if we work hard enough, if we go to college, etc., that the desired results will materialize for us.  And if things don’t work out, it is our fault.  In its crudest form, this has been expressed in recent years by Republicans in Congress who have stated bluntly that if you are poor, if you haven’t made it up the financial ladder, it’s your fault; you’re lazy.

This perspective on life is totally an illusion, a lie.  While we do have control over whether we work hard, whether we study hard, how we treat other people, whether we get married, etc., we have absolutely no control over whether those actions bear the desired fruits, which for most people are security, success, money, and as a result ... so we are taught ... happiness.

In truth, all we have control over is the way we relate to ourselves and to others, to the world around us.  Whether our actions bring about the desired result lies in the control of others  or is just a matter of good fortune, happenstance.  

Everyone will understand when I speak of the control of others.  But what about happenstance.  In common parlance, the phrase, “being in the right place at the right time,” is an example of that.  So many of the breaks that people receive in life, while often in part the result of careful planning, are really a result of everything falling into place, which is a function of happenstance.  

For example, let’s say you set up a meeting with several people and you learned of a great job opportunity and made a great contact.  Had the meeting taken place two days later, the discussion could have produced nothing, either because one person didn’t show or because an opportunity that was present on one day wasn’t there anymore two days later.  This is part of the vicissitudes of life.

Unfortunately, people who have “made it” tend not to be aware of how they have been blessed by happenstance.  Their ego tells them that it was all because of their hard work; luck or fortune had nothing to do with it.  And so they lack any compassion for those who haven’t made it, whether they are poor or struggling middle class or a lower level executive who isn’t going anywhere.  They’re not aware of the saying, “They’re but for good fortune (or the grace of God) go I.”  A preeminent example of this, perhaps, is Justice Clarence Thomas.

And so those who haven’t made it are made to feel by our culture that they are at fault.  They haven’t tried hard enough.  This internalized self-blame is very demoralizing.  People may often blame a particular individual for some opportunity not materializing or a venture failing, but they rarely get the larger point that the whole concept of control is an illusion.

Most of the frustration and pain we experience from trying and not succeeding comes from this illusion of control.  The lesson we as individuals need to take from being aware of the illusion of control is to let the idea of control go, to accept that all one can do is the best one can, but ultimately the result depends on many factors outside your control.  To have any peace, one must have the attitude, “If it works, great.  If it doesn’t work, that’s OK too.”

For those who are in government, the lesson is to understand that what our society deems “failure” is most often not a matter of someone not having tried.  It’s a result of growing up in an environment over which one has no control, whether it’s being born in poverty, having addicted parents, going to a school that doesn’t teach, growing up in an atmosphere of drugs and violence, the list goes on and on.  This is not an excuse; it is a fact of life; it is reality.

Or alternatively, it’s a function of all of a sudden the floor dropping out from under a successful life, often because a job has gone abroad or because of  major illness that leads to bankruptcy, which can start a cycle of long term unemployment, loss of house, and even homelessness.

Everyone who as a public servant is sworn to uphold the constitution needs to remember that the purpose of government, as stated in the Declaration of Independence, is “to secure these rights” ... namely, the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  This places several responsibilities on government.

The first is to ensure that everyone has an equal opportunity to achieve those goals.  And equal opportunity isn’t just a matter of ensuring that there is no discrimination in employment, housing, etc.  Real equal opportunity means that the playing field is leveled by ensuring that all children have access to the same level of quality education, something that is definitely not the case in this country.

The other major government responsibility stemming from this task is providing a safety net for those who are in need.  Whether someone is homeless or living in poverty or disabled, or at risk because they are old or unemployed, government needs to have programs that help people in need and provide them an opportunity to lift themselves up.

That this essential function of government has been so trashed by the Republican Right makes a travesty of our democracy and of their claim to be the defenders of the Constitution.

American Exceptionalism, Bullying and Mean Girls – An Excess of Self-Esteem Or Just the Opposite

As much as I respect and admire David Brooks, he got it wrong this time.  In his March 10 op-ed piece, “The Modesty Manifesto,” he notes how we have turned into a culture of self-aggrandizement.  How we have become a society of individuals who think they are special and that they are entitled to things, rather than having to earn it.

While I would agree with Brooks’ observation, he is mistaken when he equates this common bravado for an increase in Americans’ self-esteem.  On the contrary, it is yet further evidence of how insecure and hollow Americans’ lives have become.

It is a well-known psychological fact that having a huge ego is typically a façade, a coping mechanism for deep feelings of insecurity and anxiety.  And the size of the ego and extent of aggression is directly related to the amount of insecurity.

Brooks sites several writers who point out that the generation of people now in their 20s grew up bathed in praise and messages that they are special.  While it may well be that such action on the part of parents was meant to increase self-esteem, in fact it increases insecurity.  When a child is told he is special, but knows deep down that he is not and that the praise is not grounded on anything specific, he feels he is being told that he is expected to be special and thus feels under pressure to indeed be special, creating huge insecurities.

If we were to search for a poster child for this American feeling of exceptionalism, we would have to look no further than George W. Bush.  While I have no idea how he was raised, he certainly would have had the burden of feeling that he was supposed to be special because of his family’s history. 

Instead, he knew he was a nothing and failed at one thing after another.   But he did find the gift of gab; of giving the impression that he was very sure of himself.  As President, he certainly displayed great bravado and certainty … he was “the Decider” … but it was such a pathetic façade.  One just had to look into his eyes, and watch his facial expressions to know that here was a man who felt totally insecure and out of his element.

Brooks is correct when he wonders whether this phenomenon is connected to the “social and political problems we have observed over the past few years.”   But the cause is our increased insecurity, not an increase in our self-esteem.

Which brings me to an article that I had just completed yesterday before I read David Brooks’ piece:

"The Societal Cost of Low Self-Esteem"

If you look at all the suffering in the world, at the people who do bad things to their fellow man and environment as well as to themselves, you will find a person who has low self-esteem. 

Whether it’s the bully on the school playground, the mean girls in the classroom, the drug addict, the father who verbally abuses or just isn’t there for his children, the business manager who is a tyrant in the office, the politician or commentator who is a demagogue, spewing hatred against those who do not think as he does and not believing in the American social contract, or even the terrorist … all of these people suffer from low self-esteem.

“Now wait a minute,” you might be thinking, “these are people who often exhibit huge egos.  Where does he get off saying that these people have low self-esteem?” 

Having a huge ego is typically a façade, a coping mechanism for deep feelings of insecurity and anxiety.  This is a well-known psychological fact, with the size of the ego and extent of aggression being directly related to the amount of insecurity.

I make this point because we live in a world with so much suffering at so many levels … not just now but throughout history.  These problems seem overwhelming and not susceptible to easy or even hard and costly solutions.  Certainly force, whether military or societal, is not an answer.

Is there a way to apply our knowledge regarding the effect of low self-esteem to address this large societal issue?  As a Buddhist, I believe that there is.

First let me state, briefly, the Buddhist perspective on suffering.   We are all born essentially perfect with the true Buddha nature inside us.  What happens after birth is that we are exposed to numerous environmental factors, first from our immediate family and then our peers and the broader society, that cause us to put labels on both ourselves and everything in our lives. 

These labels create conflict and stress, they are the causes of our neuroses.  Over the years, these layers of learned experience form an almost impenetrable barrier between us and our true Buddha nature … and between us and the world around us.  They are the clouds that keep us from seeing the blue sky that is always there.  We come to think of ourselves as being our ego.

The Buddha taught that the way to end suffering is to first be aware that we suffer, then understand the causes of suffering, realize that there is a path to stop our suffering, and finally follow that path.  Central to this process is understanding the impermanence of all things and the illusory nature of all perceptions, because they are all dependent on our learned experience. 

When we experience something, we see and feel it as filtered through our mind.  A key part of Buddhist training is to become able to experience things directly as they really are without the intervention of thought.

I need to note here that while Buddhist philosophy is not inconsistent with Judaism, Islam, and Hinduism, it is at odds with the concept of original sin in Christianity, under which man is seen as being born into a general condition of sinfulness.

But regardless of that doctrinal difference, all would agree that no child anywhere in the world, no matter what culture they are born into, are born with low self-esteem.  For that curse we have to thank the impact of their families, their peers, and their culture on their development.

Now don’t misunderstand me.  I am fully aware that people are born subject to all sorts of things … their socio-economic status, IQ, physical or mental condition, etc.   But none of these is inherently a source of low self-esteem.   It is how either the family, peers, or culture react to those conditions and what the child learns from that experience that cause low self-esteem.

So if our families, peers, and culture cause low self-esteem, then those same forces have the ability to not cause low self-esteem.   The question, however, is, since one is not starting with a clean slate where to begin to break the vicious cycle that we are in?

Because the older we are, the more invested our psyches are in our ego-driven low self-esteem, creating more of a challenge both to be aware of our suffering and to free ourselves of it, it makes sense starting to break the cycle with the newly born and young children.

The key to self-esteem for the newly- born and toddlers lies with parents.  Unfortunately, parents receive no training in being a parent, other than their own experience as a child, which rarely provides a good role model. And they are usually not well equipped to deal with the stresses of child rearing because of their own self-esteem and psychological stresses.  This is true even for those parents who read child-rearing books assiduously, because the implementation of any recommendations depends on their own mental state.

So the first step is to educate parents, both regarding the importance of childhood self-esteem, but also to boost their own self-esteem.  This can happen at various junctures.  One is when they apply for a marriage license.  All prospective parents should be required to undergo a course in parenting skills.  Another juncture is secondary education.  All seniors should take a course regarding functioning in an adult world, part of which would include lessons on parenting skills.  In both these instances, the process should include building up the individual’s own self-esteem.

Regarding young children, the forum for improving self-esteem needs to shift primarily to the school system because that is where the greatest chance for affecting change lies.  There is no shortage of stories about teachers who expect nothing of their students, berate them, and treat them like they were stupid.  But, there are also models of schools that have no tolerance for that type of teacher behavior and that foster positive self-esteem among their pupils.  To date, this has primarily been looked at from the perspective of how to improve student performance.  Equally important is how good self-esteem will impact their interaction within their future families, with colleagues, and with the world at large.

To the extent possible, parents of these children need to be brought into the self-esteem program through parent-teacher conferences and other mechanisms. This will increase the likelihood that the children will benefit meaningfully from the program.

Some conservative critics may say that this is an example of government stepping in where it has no business.   I would strongly disagree and say that government has few tasks more urgent than ensuring that children grow up to become good productive citizens.  And increasing self-esteem is an essential part of that process.

It will take generations to affect such a change in our psychological health across all age groups.  But if we want to achieve anything even approximating peace in the family, peace in schools, peace in the workplace, peace among citizens, and peace in the world, then we have no choice.  If we continue as we have for generations, nothing will change.  The path is clear.  We have but to embrace it whole-heartedly and with dedication.